circularmotion tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1 2007-08-29T07:58:46Z personal weblog of david kurtenbach Movable Type 3.2 I will kill you like gremlins tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.637 2007-08-29T07:45:16Z 2007-08-29T07:58:46Z So much happens in such a short time. In my life, and in the lives of others. I've spent the evening reading Night by Elie Weisel. I read it back... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org So much happens in such a short time. In my life, and in the lives of others.

I've spent the evening reading Night by Elie Weisel. I read it back in 8th grade -- a poor excuse at educating the young. I'm reading it now, having been to Auschwitz and Dachau, and hurting quite a bit. It was a horrible, horrible place to visit, but a necessary one. I wept at Auschwitz. Mike and I were probably fighting the entire time, and we were miserable from two 90 minute bus rides from/to Krakow. (The first we spent standing in the aisle, where I saw an Australiant girl reading Smilla's Sense of Snow. How I know that she was Australian, I can't remember, other than possibly seeing a copyright, or noting the difference in language -- I knew for sure it wasn't the American version I've read so many times. The second trip was spent pretending to be asleep, while two young Polish girls stood in the aisles, and a young polish man was asking them, presumably, about why these two young men, us, hadn't given up our seats... "turiscki," I heard.) We had missed the bus back to Krakow, to safety and isolation, by only a minute or two. We waited for an hour for the next bus.

I wept at Auschwitz. I didn't weep because of religious persecution, or because of humanitarian guilt, but because of loneliness. I was only vaguely able to picture the hundreds of thousands of people passing through the gate maked "Arbeit Macht Frei." I felt the horrible tug of the thousands of gays walking through the "streets" of that camp. I wept for something more. I wept because my country was part of that place, and I wept because so many people continue to deny what happened there. But most of all, I wept because I felt alone.

Perhaps it's a selfish reason. But I was not there, and I only know through stories what happened there.

I walked through the gas chamber. There is no residue of human involvement. It's just a room. But that made me feel lonely too. I tried to imagine what really happened there based on my limited knowledge of events, and periodic plaques and snippets of tour guide script. But I honestly wept because I felt like no one understood what *I* was going through.

I suppose that's the ultimate point. Perhaps I'd unknowingly put myself in the place of so many people before me -- tourists and jews and homosexuals. How could they do this to *me*? I would never deny the Holocaust, or the scar it has left on the Jewish and gay people and families who did or did not survive it. It happend, and continues to happen in places like Croatia, and Darfur, and Iran. People continue to be killed for nothing more than being different.

I also attended diversity training today, which was a lot of fun, and rewarding, and enlightening. It focused my attention and skill as a manager.

But I continue to think about Auschwitz. I will probably never visit again -- at least in the forseeable future, but I will never forget how terrible I felt there. Everything is still intact, but it's not the place that haunts you... It's how you feel about yourself.

]]> Everything in its right place tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.636 2007-08-12T07:30:49Z 2007-08-12T07:27:13Z There are few times I remember Oberlin as vividly as I do during August in San Francisco. The weather at this time of year is exactly like late fall in... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org There are few times I remember Oberlin as vividly as I do during August in San Francisco. The weather at this time of year is exactly like late fall in Oberlin. And it's wholly satisfying because I long to be back there in that same state of life. Nothing was ever that serious. Everything was temporary. Even the big things seemed like bumps in the road then. Now the big things seem like a military obstacle course.

Of course, my perspective was narrow then. But now when I learn the same lessons I learned then, I feel childish. Then, when I learned those lessons, I felt like I was growing. Now it seems like taking a step back. And that frustrates me. I'm hard on myself, saying "I should have known this already!" But once the moment passes, I learn that these are new lessons -- more intimate subtleties of the larger lesson already learned, and I remember that I'm fine-tuning my life and my understanding of it. The traps are different; more serious than before, the consequences more far-reaching. And it's times like these that I realize that there is never a point in life when you've learned everything, no matter how many times you feel like you've been through it before.

The wind tonight has been a big factor in my nostalgia. It rarely gets "windy" here. There are evenings between 5 and 7PM when the offshore flow reverses and brings the fog in, but it's not like the all-day winds that I grew up with. The winds rarely shift direction here, like they do in the Plains and the midwest. It's one or the other. I think most people consider it an irritant. I consider it a reminder of what I had as a kid.

I realized the other day that the time spent in my grandmother's house in Greeley was time spent shaping my whole persona. I cherish it. I will return in another few hundred years, weeping, and happier than ever.

Work is lame these days. Lots of drama -- in the freshman sense of the word. I tire of it. Just when you think you've met adults...

Bedtime comes quickly these days.

]]> BTW tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.635 2007-08-08T10:00:01Z 2007-08-08T12:53:00Z By the way, did I mention that comments rule? Get off the rss feeders and view the website like I made it. btw, MT4 is coming.... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org By the way, did I mention that comments rule? Get off the rss feeders and view the website like I made it. btw, MT4 is coming.

]]> Are you a "Partner?" tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.634 2007-08-08T09:45:47Z 2007-08-08T12:48:27Z I was never really convinced that employees of a place needed a specific title -- like partners at Starbucks. It just occurred [sic. I've never been able to spell that... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org I was never really convinced that employees of a place needed a specific title -- like partners at Starbucks.

It just occurred [sic. I've never been able to spell that word] to me that I could link to things other than other blogs. For example: I could write a link to a youtube and show you a favorite music video from +/- which was entirely shot with a still 35mm Canon and editing and fade-ins -outs done post-shoot.

Lots of hyphens tonight. And typos! And Parentheses! (It's like a style guide. Boy did I love writing those.) But I only have one hand free. (NO! I'm smoking). ((I wonder if there's a rule) about using too many parentheses in a paragraph.)

And if you don't love me, let me go. Thanks, Decemberists! Maybe this should have been my anthem instead of Suedehead.

I saw Vshal tonight. And John. I hate to say it, but Vshal was much more satisfying, and more complete. Maybe it's because of my history with John. But then, I have a history with Vshal, too. And it's a hot one.

I think I'll just leave the iPod on (did I mention my dentist paid for it?) and be late tomorrow. It's late now. And my throat is sore.

OH, and I brought Jae (I'm guessing at the spelling) and Richard gifts at the Bar. Jae almost cried. Richard gave me free well drinks. There are good ways to make an impression. And bad ones too.

Edwin called to apologize for his assinine attempt at removing me from his life. He deleted me from myspace and friendster and send me two txts which said he could no longer be friends with me. It was Hayleyesque, but much more pathetic -- not to mention unfounded. I'm not ready to be friends with him again.

I hope I still have some sudafed for tomorrow. And I hope Peet's does a venti iced coffee. Though, they don't have the lingo the partners do, and it's probably just a large.

]]> Please, no more. tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.633 2007-08-05T09:15:45Z 2007-08-06T00:31:16Z When Diane Arbus was a kid, her older brother collected action figures and sporting equipment, her younger sister collected dolls, and she collected books. She had a pair of goldfish... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org When Diane Arbus was a kid, her older brother collected action figures and sporting equipment, her younger sister collected dolls, and she collected books. She had a pair of goldfish when was just 13, and when they died, she ceremoniously flushed them down the toilet and told her parents, "Please, no more."

So I painted it on a canvas and hung it in my kitchen. I can just se her with pity and a comic disdain on her face. Flushing a pair of goldfish down the toilet with the knowlege of how absurd even having goldfish is. At just 13.

I spent the evening with Chris and friends from work. We talked about Fernando, whom I haven't seen since the Bar outburst that forced us not to speak since. It was a good time.

]]> Welcome to Kyle's tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.632 2007-08-03T08:30:33Z 2007-08-03T17:04:41Z The new store opened today. I visited briefly. Only so long as D'Anthony's head didn't blow up. I think it probably did. He's suddenly in a white coat. So much... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org The new store opened today. I visited briefly. Only so long as D'Anthony's head didn't blow up. I think it probably did. He's suddenly in a white coat. So much for training. That store is going to fall apart.

But then I ran into Miguel and had a wonderful evening talking and chilling.

It's a bon(er)us kind of day. Dr Doyle payed for my new iPod and I'm hunky-dorey. I have an extra $900 to spend or save and I'm feeling good.

Flatscreen here I come!

]]> The World Wonders Why tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.631 2007-08-02T09:00:16Z 2007-08-02T09:13:09Z My dentist sent me a check for the balance of my iPod. You should see him. I'm serious. I had a pleasant weekend, with a date, and nothing really spectacular... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org My dentist sent me a check for the balance of my iPod. You should see him. I'm serious.

I had a pleasant weekend, with a date, and nothing really spectacular happened aside from that. I went out with Cindy last night and had a great time. Now I'm at home thinking about John and wondering why I'm still single. I'm good at being attached. And terrible at it. And I think the TV is kicking in and I'm so bored I'm going to go to bed.

I'm in a healthy place. It's good and entertaining, and it's not exactly what I want, but it's here. And why not love what you have? I want to meet a man named Chuy.

]]> Dore Alley tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.630 2007-07-30T08:00:36Z 2007-07-30T08:06:48Z It's a bust. Too many people (12,000 by conservative estimates) in a two block area. I'm swallowing half a pill and going to bed. It was a decent day. I... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org It's a bust. Too many people (12,000 by conservative estimates) in a two block area. I'm swallowing half a pill and going to bed.

It was a decent day. I almost don't know what to do with myself on days off. It was good running into John. I've been listening to his song over and over again. I also ran into Daniel. And yesterday I saw Chris and Nick. Roger is out of town for the weekend and will be back Tuesday. I'm sure he'll be playing poker again. I'll be in Oakland and back in the City for dinner with Cindy.

I have so many new people in my life that I love. It's such a nice change from obsessing about people I've lost. It's time to celebrate myself and my peeps. And what better way to do that than with buying a new iPod today! Thanks, Apple, for making my life so miserable so many times that now I have to pay you $270 for a piece of my life back.

But it plays videos. Youtube here I come!

]]> Happy Birthday Mitch! tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.629 2007-07-28T17:45:50Z 2007-07-29T18:59:34Z Today is Mitch's 42nd Birthday!! Let's all get along with Mitch!... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org Today is Mitch's 42nd Birthday!! Let's all get along with Mitch!

]]> Hey Jealousy tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.628 2007-07-28T08:15:30Z 2007-07-28T08:26:54Z I suppose most of my posts are done when I'm drunk, but that's when I'm the most honest anyway, so whatever. I just hate the feeling of waking up and... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org I suppose most of my posts are done when I'm drunk, but that's when I'm the most honest anyway, so whatever. I just hate the feeling of waking up and having to re-read everything and hoping I get to edit it before the wrong person reads it.

I had a great night with Stella, Edwin, and Shannon, and Mitch and Ward. They crack me up.

I had a wonderful date last night with a guy who's moving to Boston at the end of August. I hope to see him again soon, and I think he'll definitely want to see me. Still sort of sad that such perfect people are unavailable, but it's something to get used to. I have taken wonderful pictures tonight. The fog was spectacular. I am lying happily in my bed. I had a great day. I saw the new store (which is very cute). I saw John, which was less awkward than expected, but still weird. I want to fuck him again. That was liberating. I guess I have Vshal tomorrow regardless.

I really like the people I work with. And I need a new iPod. Roger's in Tahoe all week and he picked the wrong weekend to be away, since it's Mitch's 42nd Birthday. (Let's all get along with Mitch!) But that's why we call him Princess in the first place.

I already know what to get him for his birthday. I hope I'm awake on Sunday.

Saladmobile,
DK

]]> Transfer tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.627 2007-07-26T07:15:20Z 2007-07-26T07:27:17Z A quiet night that could have become the biggest party night of the year. It was Miranda's birthday and she had a party at the Transfer. Lots of hot guys,... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org A quiet night that could have become the biggest party night of the year. It was Miranda's birthday and she had a party at the Transfer. Lots of hot guys, a full back room, lots of coke, champagne, and PBR, and Vshal begging me to do a rail off his cock.

I'm in bed at 11.15.

It's a necessary precaution and I have a headache anyway. I have to be up early tomorrow and I want to go to the gym someday. I've seen two "Real Life"s today. It was the SFC's last day in our store. They were sad and sometimes full of dread, but I think they'll be awesome (because I trained them well) and they'll have a great time.

I want deviled eggs. I want to sit at home with a bored look on my face, staring out the window, eating hard-boiled eggs. That's an artful image. So I'll look out my window in bed and do my bemused look instead. It's foggy and cold, and the San Francisco summer is in full swing. I got drenched going to work today. And I had fun at work, but I don't think I did any.

The end, apparently.

]]> Bar on Castro tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.626 2007-07-25T07:30:18Z 2007-07-25T18:22:28Z I'm on beer and vodka and fernet. And a good fernet. The kind of fernet where Richard from Bar gives me mouth kisses when saying goodbye, and long long hugs... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org I'm on beer and vodka and fernet. And a good fernet. The kind of fernet where Richard from Bar gives me mouth kisses when saying goodbye, and long long hugs and awkward groping when saying hello, with a congenial "I'm not interested" distance in between.

I want a cigarette.

It's been a while since I've posted because I didn't want to complain about Abel. So I won't. I'll move on with my life in a positive direction and keep my pain to myself. It's not worth the exposition and I know it.

My iPod is dead, so I stole one from work. And my tattoos are burning themselves into my arms without even having visited an artist. Songs are fighting for airtime in my head. It's ok. I let them because they're all worth the attention. Am I?

Honestly, I'm happy. I have very little to complain about. And as much as I hate the Netherlands, I think Dutch will be my next language. Let the record show that I want all of my friends to go in on the Rosetta Stone software for my birthday. I think at that point the language doesn't even matter, but in order of interest: Hungarian, Spanish, Weather. Thanks, friends.

Goodnight.

]]> Nostalgia to the nth degree tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.625 2007-06-15T09:00:15Z 2007-06-15T09:33:56Z Here's a list of shows you miss from the 80s. Kidd Video Polka Dot Door Pryor's Place Muppet Babies He Man Cities of Gold Pinwheel Hey Dude Double Dare Time... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org Here's a list of shows you miss from the 80s.

Kidd Video
Polka Dot Door
Pryor's Place
Muppet Babies
He Man
Cities of Gold
Pinwheel
Hey Dude
Double Dare
Time for Timer
School House Rock
Dungeons and Dragons
Kissyfur
The Smurfs
The Snorks
The Littles
The Wuzzles
Shirttales
Rainbow Brite
Jem
Care Bears
She-Ra
MASK
Captain Planet
Transformers
Tranzor Z
Go-Bots
Reading Rainbow
Captain OJ Readmore
Zack of All Trades
Picture Pages
Calliope
School House Rock
David the Gnome
Captain Hook
Duck Tales
Rescue Rangers
The Muppet Show
Super Friends
You Can't Do That On Television
The Electric Company
Square One
Thundercats

]]> Slik sier vi det tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.624 2007-05-30T21:15:10Z 2007-05-30T21:13:01Z What are the chances of becoming a copywriter? Maybe I need a marketing degree to do that. But what fun! Time to clean my house.... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org What are the chances of becoming a copywriter? Maybe I need a marketing degree to do that. But what fun!

Time to clean my house.

]]> The Short Story tag:mustard.dv8.org,2007://1.623 2007-05-27T10:45:11Z 2007-05-27T10:46:21Z Last September I got really drunk with Roger and Fabian and Christina (Abel's best best friends). And is her usual habit, Christina started making out with me. I txtd Abel,... initiative http://mustard.dv8.org Last September I got really drunk with Roger and Fabian and Christina (Abel's best best friends). And is her usual habit, Christina started making out with me. I txtd Abel, who was in Portland on tour with Little Teeth, and told him that Christina was making out with me. Then, Fabian started making out with me. We were all drunk and it was lame 22yo shit, but we were doing it. So we walked from the Cafe to Church and Market, Roger protesting the whole way. I told him I was fine and that I could handle my drunkenness.

But handling my drunkenness meant going to Christina's house with her and Fabian, and having a lot of drunken sex.

Fabian fucked me while I ate Christina's pussy. I fucked Christina while Fabian ate my ass. It was sloppy and fun and way too off limits. So the three of us had unprotected sex for a few hours while the alcohol wore off.

No one told Abel.

Until last Wednesday morning, when Abel cheated on his bf with me at 6:30AM, and he kept reminding me that he was going to sleep at his boyfriend's house as soon as he left me. He accused me of lying to him many times. I accused him of already cheating on his boyfriend with me.

I told him simply: I had sex with Fabian.

He turned around and walked out. He called me 30 seconds later to ask if it happened while we were together. I told him, "yes."

Apparently, a few minutes later, he showed up at the Mix, drunk and crying uncontrollably. I got a txt from Bucky later that day that said "Thanks a lot david. ur a fucken ass hole."

I've ruined quite a few peoples' lives, and my own. I decided to turn off my phone. Abel used me for sex many times. I told him to hurt him because of what he'd done to me.

Now here we are. I'm no closer to closure, and I feel no better. But it's done.

I love him, but it's finally done.

]]>